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Join Tiffany and Spiritual Mastery Catalyst Lori Dodson as they discuss setting boundaries in the home with children.
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Tiffany is currently parenting a strong-willed four-year-old, and Lori has four children, all over the age of 18. Between the two of them, they’ve experienced a whole heck of a lot of boundary setting. Today they share their secrets to successfully creating the blissful home environment all parents crave.
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*This transcription was automatically generated. Sorry for any grammar or contextual mishaps!*

Tiffany:

Hi, I’m Tiffany Eller. I am the Founder and Captain of the Little Cuties, which is an art-centric company, dedicated to fostering play through the arts. Our tagline is “Curiosity, Community and Play.” So I consider this, boundaries in the home with our kids, to be incredibly important in terms of community. And that is how it ties into my main pillars of what I’m doing and why this is a Little Cuties branded webinar. And I get the pleasure of working with Lori Dodson, who is just an incredible human. Lori, what is your title? What is your passion, and what are you looking forward to today?

Lori:

I am excited and honored to work with you. I have watched you create and cultivate the Little Cuties over time. And when I looked over your shoulder that day and I saw what you were doing with the boundaries, I was like, “Oh my gosh, I have to be a part of this.” So I’m just so excited and so honored to be here and to be able to collaborate with you and share our juicy genius together. It’s really, really cool. So thank you for having me. So what is my title? I’m a catalyst for spiritual mastery and my passion really is in bringing together the rules and the laws of how spirituality and energy work alongside of, “How do we utilize those in the physical world?”

Lori:

This plays in so perfectly with what you were talking about that we’ll get into in the webinar. One of my core desires for understanding is if we can shift things in those beginning year stages, in how our kids are able to process information and what it translates to into the rest of their life is. It is truly one of my passions. What I get to talk about is right alongside everything that you’re passionate about in this particular topic.

Tiffany:

I want to tell the story about like how we got on this project, because I was just working on a PDF. That’s all I was going to offer was a PDF for boundaries. That was pretty basic, and it was pretty much just helping people discover their own boundaries. And I ran into you at a coffee shop and you asked what I was doing, and I got to show it to you. And the next thing I knew there was a message waiting for me in my inbox, just full of ideas that you had to contribute. It was like, “Oh, the answer I’ve been waiting for!” Because I didn’t know what my next steps were for this PDF. I just knew that I was called to bring the information into the world in a very cute package. I love how our two areas of genius intersect, and I’m glad we get to bring that to people. I also wanted to just build our credibility a little bit, not as entrepreneurs and spiritual catalysts, but as parents, because I have a four-year-old that I am parenting every day and you, Lori, you have how many kids and what are their ages?

Lori:

Yeah, so 25, 24, 21 and 18. Been through it all and really, truly the relationship I have with my kids now, compared to the relationship I had when they were younger. And I could honestly say, like, I did not know how to parent and the progression of where we’ve come. And the fact that my kids love hanging out with me. I mean, as young adults, they choose me, they choose to come to our house. And really, I say it doesn’t matter what I do in the rest of what you were talking about, like as an entrepreneur it doesn’t even matter because at the end of the day, I go to bed knowing that four amazing humans walk the earth because of some of the contribution that I gave. And that is my greatest accomplishment.

Tiffany:

Oh, that’s so sweet. Can you tell me a little bit about what your trajectory was in boundary setting with your kids? Was it something that came naturally to you or was it something that you had to figure out how to implement and like course correct. Along the way?

Lori:

Yeah. So, so definitely parents, let me just tell you, we course correct. And we continue to course correct. Right. Because it doesn’t even matter where you start, right. Especially if you have more than one child, we have to remember that, that we naturally come to this planet with some type of how things function around us. And when we look at, okay, this child likes to crawl up on my lap, but that child doesn’t like to crawl up on my lap. Right. So having some boundaries is important when we’re looking at, okay, how do I teach boundaries to my kids, but really an and we’ll go into this a little bit more in depth, but really this idea that when we create our healthy boundaries and we respond accordingly to the kind of needs that our children have, because our boundaries will be a little bit different with different kids.

Lori:

Right. And so so being able to always navigate and always course correct in them when they get a little bit older and if they’re more or less sensitive we’ll always be course-correcting. I continue even now with my kids at, at young adults I have to shift that. So understanding that it really is this, this ever flowing thing, but we start with principles, which is what I love so much about what you’re doing is you’re saying, okay, here is a foundation here is this starting point. And, and now we, we grow from there and we play into it from there. But we start with this foundation, which I think is so brilliant about how you’ve set it up.

Tiffany:

Yeah. Let’s, let’s talk about it a little bit. So what the PDF includes is just really basic concepts of how to set prime boundaries with your kids and how to set body boundaries with your kids. Because I find in my own life living with a four-year-old and we also housed a family a couple of years ago who had a three-year-old and a five-year-old. And so I got to witness how her kids interacted with her as well. And what I, from my experiences and from what I’ve witnessed, it’s the time and it’s the body that makes you feel out of control when there’s not something in place to, you know, feel in control of your space and your body. Because if you don’t have control of that, how can you have control of your circus? You know, so the very first tool that is in this PDF is a daily time tracker, because as much as we think our kids are time sucks.

Tiffany:

I want to remind parents that we are also our own time-suck sometimes. So it’s important to see where our time is going through the day and determine what boundaries we can set with our kids and what boundaries we can set with ourselves in order to set us up for success. And success could mean anything. It could be success in self-care honestly, I think that’s the first step after setting boundaries is like, got to care for yourself and then everything else will come next. So yeah, that’s, that’s kind of the intro to the time boundaries. Did you want to add anything before I move into the rule that I introduced in the PDF?

Lori:

I love what you were saying about like establishing that foundation of, okay. What’s most important, right? My body and my time, because there is this element of, okay, then when we step out, right. When our kids start school, different boundaries and, and recognizing that, you know, it’s that age old you know, silly analogy that we use when you’re on the airplane who smashed you put on first, right. We put on our mask first. Why? Because then we have the capacities and the faculties to actually help the people around us. And so so, so I know that we didn’t plan this, so you’re welcome, but I’m really want to hear about your experience. This is totally like, seriously guys, we did not talk about this, but it’s coming up that I just feel like this is really going to contribute to the conversation.

Lori:

Like, what was that like when, when you’ve established your boundaries and you’ve established how you function with your body and your time, and then another family that probably doesn’t have the same boundaries as you. And what were those things that you noticed and was that a catalyst for you going, wow, this needs to be a conversation because I feel like you’re somebody that is a little bit more more reserved. You’re a little bit quiet or you’re a lot more present than the average person. Right. And this was the conversation that we had about the fact that I was a crazy mom and I was all over the place. And you know, what it looked like to parent was so different and how my children reacted because I was crazy was so different than maybe how your daughter functions because of the type of person you are. And so, so do you think that that was part of the catalyst that made you go, okay, these things come really, really naturally to me and they don’t seem to come naturally to other people. Yeah.

Tiffany:

Yeah. That’s a really great question. And I’d say being able to witness another family in such an intimate setting was really powerful in my development as a parent, because there, there was a boundary set that, you know, I could only parent those kids in my house to a certain extent. And for the rest of it, I had to watch how the other parent in this house parented her own kids. And I think when you get that opportunity, you get a chance to, you get to see it without intervening. And so when you’re not intervening, the only thing you’re left with is being able to change your own situation and control of your own family and your own just everything that’s happening, the dynamic. So I learned through that, how I wanted to parent, because I couldn’t parent those kids the way that at certain points I thought might benefit them more.

Tiffany:

I want to be kind, because I don’t know who’s going to be hearing this, but like, yeah, it was, it was very interesting. And it was also interesting to see how different kids act because boundaries and children, they’re also unique to us. Like everybody’s so different. Every child is different, every boundary needs to be different. So I I’d say those were the lessons that I learned from it. And between that, and just knowing that the band-aids, I wanted to put over my own childhood and the types of boundaries that I either did or didn’t get, those were the two things that like, they’re always in the back of my mind when I’m parenting, even when I’m parenting poorly, I want to say, like, I know that I’m parenting poorly and that I probably need to like, you know, change my attitude or change my tone or use different words, that kind of thing.

Tiffany:

So yeah. I don’t know. I think it was a catalyst and I, I think that, like you were saying, starting in the home at such a young age is how we, maybe you weren’t saying this, but this is what I got from what you were saying. This is how we change the world. All we can control is what’s in our house right now. And when kids are young, you are instilling in them behaviors and beliefs and boundaries that they get to take on for the rest of their lives. And the sooner you can equip them with that, the better off they’ll be. And I also think that something we assume as parents is that they’re too young to understand that they’re too young. I can’t teach them that yet because they don’t grasp this yet. But you know what? I was teaching boundaries to my daughter at one year old, two years old, three years old, like the boundaries will change and you have to be willing to move with the changes your child goes through, but there’s no too young to set boundaries. And I would like to use this opportunity to talk about what you originally brought to the table with me was the energy that you have setting the boundaries because you know, children might not understand your words, but they’re going to understand your energy. So can you talk a little bit about that?

Lori:

Yeah, for sure. And and, and it’s interesting because when you talk about like changing the world that, that actually popped up in my mind and I’m like, Oh yeah, we get to talk about this. And, you know, cause you said there’s times where you’re parenting in. You’re like, okay, well I know that’s probably not a great parenting strategy or whatever. Right. And, and what’s interesting is there were things that I used to do as a parent that I look at now and I’m mortified at what I was doing. But at the time I thought that that was actually normal, good parenting. Right. So there is this element of us parenting just the way we were parented and not recognizing that, that we’re doing things that are actually like detrimental. Right. And so having this conversation, looking at these things and starting at such a young age, right.

Lori:

It changes the world. Not because somebody goes out and says, Hey, I’m going to change the world. It changes the world because we put different humans into the world. Right. And and so going back to, you know, specifically what you were talking about, how do we do that? Right? And when we recognize that children are, we, as humans are actually like, our design is to follow and we are created to see something and follow it and follow a a not a mentor, a model, right. To see the model of something and to follow it. Right. And so even if we don’t tell our kids do this, do that, they will always do what we do again. Well, what does that look like? Well, I was parenting the same way I parented. Right. And so recognizing that children can feel how, how we feel, right.

Lori:

They tap into that way more. We kind of condition ourselves out of that as we grow up into life. And but children are really keen to that because, you know, in that first seven years, we talk about how kids are sponges. Well, their brain actually functions differently in that first seven years, their brain is actually in a brain state of absorbents. Right. And so, so that first seven years here, they are just being in, I call it the Petri dish. Right. And so we might say things like like, you know, okay, you gotta clean up and pick up your shoes, but then we leave our shoes, you know, laying out and our kids don’t pay attention to the words. They go, Oh, leave shoes out. Okay. Right. That’s what we do. And they begin to follow. And then we even get a little bit deeper into the idea of when, when mommy sad and then you can see like a toddler come up and just hug mommy.

Lori:

Right. We know that that child was actually feeling that sadness and wanting to comfort the parent. Right. And recognizing everything that’s going on inside of us, our kids are paying attention to which, what that, that comes back to with this whole idea of our boundaries is if I don’t own my body and have boundaries for my body, I teach my children not to own their body and not to have boundaries for their body. Right. So if I let my kid jump all over me and I start getting anxious because my kids are jumping all over me. And then my kids are recognizing I’m anxious, but I’m letting them jump all over me. Right. And then they know that I’m not taking care of my body, that I’m letting another person do something to my body. That doesn’t make me feel good. Right. And so then we have these kids that don’t understand that their bodies are their bodies and they get to boss their bodies. Right. And as we, as we model that for our kids, then they naturally step into their own boundaries. So do we teach them boundaries? Yes. But do we model boundaries? And that really is the key, because if you teach without modeling, it doesn’t matter if you model without teaching your, your kids are going to catch onto most of it. But if you model and teach it, Oh my gosh. Now, now we’re empowering our kids to really own who they are on this, you know, as a physical human being and what that looks like.

Tiffany:

Yeah. And I, I think we’re seeing that a lot in the light Geist now for the first time, kind of the overall consciousness of our society that you know, when I was growing up and I’m sure when you were growing up our bodies, weren’t, weren’t ours. We always had to give grandma a kiss or a hug or whatever. Like, those are things that you think are innocent enough at the time. And they are, but we don’t realize, or we haven’t realized until about now that those things actually end up harming our children maybe later when they feel like they owe their body to somebody else. So something that I want to talk about, like how my, my body boundaries have changed and developed as I parented a child that’s growing. Because for me, I like my number one fear was that if I set my body boundaries, my child will feel rejected because like, I’m not ready for a hug right now.

Tiffany:

I’m not ready for you to sit on my lap right now. That can feel personal. And so when I was creating this, I was thinking about, well, how can I teach other parents to be able to set their own body boundaries without feeling guilty and without neglecting the needs of their, of their children. And one of the things that came up was treating your child the way that you would like to be treated, and that is allowing them to set their own boundaries for bodies that you respect just as much as you expect them to respect your body boundaries. So, you know, and sometimes that can be hard, especially when you’re like going through like eating phases where you’re like, you have to eat your dinner. I don’t care. You have to eat it. I’m like sometimes that’s going to happen, but the more you can allow them, the independence and the autonomy to make their own decisions about their body, whether it’s eating or, you know, physical affection, the better they’ll understand your boundaries with your body because they can empathize with it because they have firsthand experience of, Oh, this boundary like is respected on my end.

Tiffany:

I mean, they don’t think I’ve fit in these terms necessarily, but

Lori:

Right. But they internally. Yeah. And that’s the energy thing. Yeah, for sure. For sure. And the other thing that I think is really powerful that I think we don’t necessarily give credence to, because we think, you know, we’re parents and we’re supposed to know, and we’re supposed to be in control and we’re supposed to be the boss, but one of the best things like, like one of the greatest transitions in my parenting was where I stopped. And I said, you know what? I don’t know what to do right now because here’s, what’s going on. I intellectually understand that this is probably the best thing. And I intellectually understand that my pattern is in codependency. Right. And I also understand that I want to give you that autonomy. And I want to give you that freedom. And I want you to know that, that you are in control of your body.

Lori:

And I also have these thoughts over here. Right. And I would actually just sit down with my kids and go, I don’t know, like, this is everything that I’m thinking right now. And by the time I just said, this is everything I’m thinking right now, my child would go, Oh yeah. Now I see why this thing bothers you. Or now I see why you don’t want me to do this thing right now. Of course, my kids were a little bit older when we got there. And, and in the PDF, we kind of break down some ages. And so we’re not talking about under seven, under seven, they’re not reasoning and rationalizing. And, and you just do the best you can. Right. But when, when they’re like around age nine, even maybe eight, but definitely by age nine, they’re really understanding, right. They already feel the dissonance in you, right.

Lori:

When you’re saying one thing and your energy is communicating another, right. They already feel the dissonance. And so if we actually just explain, here’s the dissonance that’s happening inside of me, my old pattern and how I parented says do this. And yet I’m, I am more conscious and I am more aware of energy and, and what I want to give to you. And that I don’t have to control you as my child. Right. And so, and so there’s also this element over here, and there’s this part of me that goes, but, but can you handle it? Do you understand this right. And actually having a little bit more dialogue with our kids and going, you know what, I’ve never parented a nine year old on December 16th, 2000 or 2020. I’ve never parented a nine-year-old before. Right. And so being able to communicate to your kids that every day we’re growing together, right.

Lori:

Which, which is another one of those energetic communications of, Oh, if my mom can be honest, then I can be honest, right. If my mom’s feeling uncomfortable and verbalizing it, then I can verbalize it when I feel uncomfortable. Right. And then we step back into that. How does that play out in all other areas of life? Well, when I feel uncomfortable because somebody is treating my body in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, I’m allowed to be honest about it. Right. So it all plays back into when, but, but it comes back to those boundaries, right? It comes back to when I have my own boundaries and maybe my boundary is I’m going to be honest, right. Because that is a boundary. And sometimes we don’t, we don’t understand that boundaries are even in our thinking process. And I know specifically, we’re talking about bodies and time here, but the overarching conversation is really about what are healthy boundaries and how do we begin to shift them to to become more aware of what we’re gifting our children.

Tiffany:

Absolutely. I, I think that that’s super powerful talking to your kids about your full feelings, because that’s not something I feel like I got from my parents necessarily when I was young. And it’s something that doesn’t like, doesn’t come naturally to me. So there’s, there’s been times where, you know, Henley will act out and then we have to react and we have to do some kind of discipline. But there was this one time she’s four where like I knew that the way that I had parented the situation was less than kind and less than perfect. And I went to her and I had a slice of humble pie because I got down on her level, literally on my knees and said, look, I am sorry. I treated you that way. I don’t know what I’m doing. And I’ve never parented before. So I’m learning this just like you’re learning how to be a kid and telling her that she, she calmed down.

Tiffany:

She had that conversation with me. We were able to like hug it out. And it’s just amazing how far vulnerability goes with your kids. Because I think as parents too, and this kind of varies from boundaries maybe a little bit, but it’s so easy to serve your ego and to be the authoritarian parent, to be, you want to be the authority and you want to be respected at all costs. And like that informs a lot of the way we’ve been parenting for generations. And I think it’s time that we recognize that those that doesn’t serve us and it doesn’t serve our kids because they, like you were saying, you’re modeling the behavior you want to see. So if you’re like, I am unmoving in this stance and you’re going to listen to me, well, guess what your kid’s going to do next time you ask them to do something. They’re going to do the exact same thing.

Lori:

So true. And then they get in trouble for it. Right. We taught them how to do like jacket and kids mind fresher. And then we say, and then there’s grades, right? So to all your parents out there that are going off was just totally jacking my kids. And then there’s grace. Right? We didn’t know any better. We did the best we could in the moment. It’s not about going back and looking at everything you did wrong. It’s about standing here now and going, how do I do it different? How do we do it different? That’s fine. You didn’t do anything wrong. Yeah. Yeah. How do I do it?

Tiffany:

That’s so true.

Lori:

It is. Okay. So tell me, because like, that was one thing that when I was reading the PDF after I was like, Hey, I’m buttoned into your business and I want to be a part of this. I’m gonna go back and read the whole PDF. I love, love, love what you talk about with the time boundaries and like the rules and setting up that rule of 20. So tell us about that.

Tiffany:

Yeah. So introducing the 20 minute rule, this is something that when that other family was living with us, you know, we had one iPad, we had one television, whatever. We had one, and we had three kids here. And so timers became extremely important in everybody getting along, because you could be like, Oh, you’re arguing over this doll. Well, let’s set a five minute timer. And then when it’s over, Henley gets the ball. And the kids responded super, super well to that. It was like, as soon as they saw that the timer was out and we let them like click the button on it. And when they heard it, it was like, okay, here you go. There was no arguing. And so I, through that experience, I saw the power of timers and how there’s like this law. It’s, it’s stronger than your word as a parent.

Tiffany:

The timer like is the truth. And so I started bringing that in now, now that my daughter’s older and we don’t live with another family, but I just decided like, okay, I’m going to set this 20 minute timer for me to do this one thing that I need to do. She’s she’s watching TV or whatever. And then she came up to me, ask me for something. And they said, you know what, I’m going to sit here for 20 minutes. I have this timer set. And when the timer goes off, I’d be happy to fulfill that request for you. And so I just thought this was really powerful. I really powerful tool that I wanted to share with parents because she responded so well to it. And I know that when we were talking, we talked about how 20 minutes can feel like a long time.

Tiffany:

And especially when you’re first starting out your child doesn’t know what 20 minutes feels like. And to you, 20 minutes is like, okay, well, that’s a show. That’s this task, that’s this. But your children don’t necessarily have that sense of time. So as I was developing this, like I see 20 minutes as being a really good just chunk of time. You could do anything in 20 minutes. And if you can’t to 20 minutes, 40 minutes, right. So this is just my own personal benchmark. But when I was talking to you, Laurie, you told me a really great story that has stuck with me ever since about your daughter. Learning how to give you more and more time. So can you tell me about Berkeley? Because I love that story.

Lori:

Yeah. Yeah. So I want to touch on just a little bit about why it is that timers are so powerful with the super little ones, right. And they are most powerful with the super little ones, because like you said, they don’t, they don’t grasp, they don’t look at the clock and go, Oh, 20 minutes. But when you have a timer, that’s counting down, like whether it be the Toni timer or whether it be a clock or, you know, a digital timer, that’s counting down, it’s predictable. Right. And one of the things that kids, because everything is so they don’t have a lot of autonomy, the younger they are, they don’t have a lot of autonomy. Right. And so they’re always getting, okay, now it’s time to do this. So can, now it’s time to do this, but if they have something solid and they have something unmovable like a clock, now there’s something to trust.

Lori:

Right? So it actually gives kids this sense of safety, knowing I’m going to get to do that thing that I want to do. As soon as this thing that can’t change, its mind that doesn’t get upset, that doesn’t react and fly off the handle. Right. The timer is the timer is the timer it’s based on anything outside of itself. And so kids, yeah. It’s the law. Exactly. And so kids love that kind of safety, really unstructured. So so kind of back to what I was saying earlier about like, when you look at Tiffany, even, even right now, when you look at us on the screen, I’m all like this, I talk like this and Tiffany is just a little bit more mellow and she’s just right. It’s of course in the environment of her home, it’s a little bit more mellow and my kids are crazy.

Lori:

Right. Cause I’m crazy. Now at the time when, when really culmination of me recognizing that my life was a complete fiasco my daughter was three. And just to give you a bit of information, I was, I had five different streams of income from you know, working with a particular school in my industry to traveling internationally for 10 days at a time. Right. And I was a single mom and I have two kids. Right. And so it’s crazy. My kids are crazy. It’s crazy in our home. Right. And so so when I started looking at, okay, it’s too crazy and I need to back up and really start to pour into my family and my kids. And, and so I started going to this moms group and they talked about, you know, the kids having quiet time and being able to have some time where they played by themselves and learn how to self entertain.

Lori:

Right. So it was, was no electronics, no music, no anything. They got like a bucket of toys and they could choose one bucket of toys that they took in. And they would play with that bucket. And we have like Legos in one and connects in another and you know, so they would choose their bucket and they would go in their room, their quiet time. And so so the first time I’m like, okay, Berkeley, you’re going to be in here for an hour. And of course she came out and I’m like, okay, Berkeley, you’re supposed to be in there for an hour, go back inside, you know, go back in your room. And by the third time I get this message from Holy spirit. And I hear inside my spirit, I hear Marie. She doesn’t know how to be by herself. Right. You’re crazy. You’re running her all over the place.

Lori:

She’s with a babysitter. She’s with her brother. She has never, ever, ever had to be by herself. So I’m like, Oh my gosh, it’s, it’s a skill. Right. Even being by herself and self entertaining is a skill. And so I was like, okay, so day one, I set the timer for 30 seconds. And I was like, Oh, I actually, I think I started the 10 seconds. And I was like, okay, you’re going to be in there for 10 seconds. Right. And one second later came out and I’m like, Oh, at the time it didn’t go off. And she’s like, Oh right. Cause now we’re working to God. It’s the law. Right. So she went back in and I set the timer. And as soon as it dinged, I was like, Oh my gosh, you stayed in there for 10 seconds. Right. And then I think the first day we did 30 seconds and then did a minute.

Lori:

Right. And so then we practiced a minute, a couple of times the next day. And we celebrated at the end of each minute. And then it went to like three minutes and then it went to five minutes and then we went up to like 10 minutes. Right. And we incrementally got to a point where she was in her room. And then what was super interesting was she was so practiced at like entertaining herself. That one when she took that bucket of Legos. Okay. First of all, yes, she was in a room by herself. And the things that that kid could create was amazing, but she got to a point where, you know, we worked our way up to two hours of quiet time and she could nap. She could like, she could do whatever she wanted, but it was by herself, in her room, self entertained.

Lori:

And there were times where I’d come in and I’d be like, okay, you know, quiet time is over. And she’d be like, no, mom, I’m going to play some more. I’ll come out when I’m ready. And I’m like, okay, so, right. So parents, the reason that, again, this is so cool that Tiffany and I are doing this together and she’s all meth. Hello. And she has one way to do it. And I’m all crazy because there’s a million different kinds of parents out there. And, and if somebody comes to this webinar and only Tiffany was talking and Tiffany said, okay, guys set a 20 minute timer. Right. The parents that are like me would be like, Oh my gosh, I’m such a failure. And my kid’s an idiot or a jerk because they can’t stay in their room for 20 minutes. Right. Kind of like I was in the beginning, I’m like, just go to your room.

Lori:

That’s what you do go to your room. Right. so this is really about, it doesn’t matter what kind of parent you are, whether you’re mellow or crazy, it doesn’t matter where you come from. It doesn’t matter what your parenting style has been before. And it doesn’t matter where your kids are at. It doesn’t matter because there’s grace and we choose to do something different. Right. And we incrementally, right. We incrementally, that’s how we learn even as adults. Right. I don’t, I don’t try to say, Hey, I’m making minimum wage. I think I’ll go get a job for a hundred thousand dollars. Well, now I have to gain my skills so that I can change from minimum wage to a job that gives me a hundred thousand dollars a year. Right. So we do the same thing for kids. And so having that grace and having that understanding. Right. But if there weren’t parents like Tiffany that says 20 minutes, I’d be like, well, my kid died. You know, it was in there for five minutes. That’s pretty good. I guess, you know, I don’t know. I don’t really have any kind of you know a game plan. Right. But then here’s Tiffany that says, no, you could actually go up to 20 and then I go, what that’s possible.

Tiffany:

Right. And so yeah. The story, hearing your story about Berkeley, staying like having quiet time for two hours, like even I’m like, Oh man, two hours. That’s possible. So it’s like, we, we underestimate our kids all the time and our abilities

Lori:

For sure. Yeah. And I, I love that, that, that we’re having this conversation really to tell any parent no matter where you’re like, it’s okay. It’s okay. Wherever you’re at. Like, I just want all of you parents to just recognize you’re an awesome parent and you’re doing the best you can and, and it gets better. Right. And that’s why we didn’t have,

Tiffany:

Yeah. Yeah. I, I love the concept of like parenting out in the open because you know, it takes a lot of vulnerability to do that because you’re like, Oh, somebody is going to see it and know that I’m a bad parent or like, tell me I’m wrong. But it’s, it’s through our own transparency that, that not only do we learn, but we get to show others, you know, whether or not it’s right or wrong, they get to decide that. But we’re actively contributing to the consciousness no matter what we’re doing. Even if you don’t parents in public, I just, I like that concept for myself personally, because I think parenting does feel very isolating sometimes. And you feel like you’re always doing it wrong and there’s just so much advice out there that you don’t know what to believe or your kid’s not fitting into that box or, you know, and it’s just like, we’re all so different. And we all have something to offer each other and our kids. Yeah.

Lori:

And, and I love what you said about everyone has advice. Right. Because I remember at one point in time, you know, when I was like, okay, you know what? I’m tired of being that authoritarian parent. And if we go out in public and my daughter decides to throw a fit right before I would go, no, you can’t do the throw a fit and public. Right. And then I got to a point where I’m like, okay, I’m not going to control her. I’m going to let her figure it out. So she would throw a fit and I’d have one parent tell me, you know, come by and go. Why don’t you quiet your kid and go take him outside and discipline them. And then I have another person walked past me and go good job mom, way to be patient and let her cry it out.

Lori:

Right. So, so again, here’s what I have to say. You guys parents out there, like what feels right for your journey and what your learning and what your kids need and, and where they’re at in their process. Right. Cause my kid came from such a crazy place to actually be free anywhere to be herself. And to have me not trying to control her, she needed to know that she could own her own body and throw wrong fit and you know, whatever else. So really like it comes back to is, is this feeling comfortable inside of my body to say, this is what my child needs, or this is what I need. Right. And it doesn’t matter what any other parent is saying. Right. It’s, it’s where you’re at in your journey.

Tiffany:

And you, you just have to, you have to trust your innate wisdom. Like there is an innate wisdom in all of us to parents, if we are parents. And when we discount that or don’t listen to it, like we’re at risk of, of becoming something that doesn’t jive with us. And that’s also a boundary, like for sure now you get to set your own boundaries about parenting, by being confident in how you are parenting, but not attached to how you are parenting, because it is important to be able to hear the feedback, but then to process it in terms of like, okay, I agree with that one. I don’t agree with that one because you can do that. You can, it’s at both ends. Like you can be confident and know what you’re doing and also receive the feedback gracefully. And, and I knowledge that you can change because like, I know that I’m not perfect, but you know what, I’m a lot better at parenting than some people. And both of those things can be true at the same time.

Lori:

Absolutely. Absolutely. And even at any given moment, right. If we don’t tap into that wisdom at any given moment, because there’s times where like Berkeley would be throwing a fit of some kind and I would just tap in and I’d be like, okay, what does she need right now? Yes, she, she needs a hug. Okay. So I’d go and I’d hold her and I’d be like, I don’t know what’s going on, but I love you and I support you. Right. And then there’s other times that she’d be thrown the same fit over the same thing. And I would tap in and you know, I would get, no, she really needs to go to her room and sit by herself. Okay, great. Right. So I love that you said that if we’re not tapping into that innate wisdom, that all of us have all of us have that it’s in our DNA, then yes, it is. It is. And so when we tap into that, naturally start to trust that, Oh, wait, in the same fit, I’m supposed to do two different things. Yeah. Because your child needs something different at different times. So yeah, absolutely. I’d love that you brought that up.

Tiffany:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I know that we’ve been talking about a lot more of the mindset work, but I do want to just point out that the PDF has scripts for setting boundaries. It has debriefing questions that you can ask to your kid and see how your boundary setting is working with them or not. And there’s a lot of questions for you to answer about yourself and your own needs and your own family to help you figure out maybe where boundaries to be set, that you didn’t even know that you needed to be set. So I encourage everybody to take a look at the PDF and to just sit with it and allow yourself to do the homework because it’s worth it. And it will change your family dynamic for the better.

Lori:

Yeah. And that is again, one really thing or one thing that I really love about like how Tiffany works, because she’s, she’s very pragmatic, right? It’s it here. It all is here are these steps, here are these things and I’m the total opposite. Right. But when I was in that place where I was like, okay, I recognize based on the fact that my kids are crazy. Right. I recognize that I’m, I’m not parenting them well, but I don’t know what parenting well looks like. Right. So I remember one time somebody, I was in a moms group and somebody said, well, and then you just love your kids. I was like, what does that mean? Yeah. I know this is a really stupid question, but I don’t know what that means. Like what does that look like? And it was like, she couldn’t even articulate words or processes or questions.

Lori:

Right. Because there were things that came so natural to her that she didn’t know that it doesn’t come natural to other people. Right. So I absolutely encourage you guys to answer those questions. Look at them, like, look at those questions and what are they sparking? And, and it really is a picture of, if you have no idea what you’re doing, here’s a really good starting point to get the conversation moving. And then you, as an individual parent and your child is an individual child will start to naturally. Right. But to say, Oh, you’ll, you’ll naturally get it. Well, okay. But if I have a starting point right now, I can at least be doing something while I’m learning how to trust that inner wisdom. Right. But dart and I, I love, love, love when I went through the questions and even the dialogues that you set up for boundaries and what that looks like, and for my body and your body and all of those things in, and it’s vital to have that space of, of of insight from somebody else who’s been there, who is good at it, who it comes a little bit more natural to that can facilitate those, those progressions.

Lori:

Right, right. Brilliant.

Tiffany:

Yes. Well, we’re kind of drawing close to our time for the one hour Mark, I also, this is kind of tangential. I don’t have my phone, but I asked my husband, what’s something you would like me to bring to the webinar today. And his input was read your children, listen to your children, but also read your, because the way that they like pay attention to the things that they’re paying attention to and that’s how you can better strengthen your relationship with them. So that setting boundaries comes easier and quicker and you know how to communicate with each other. So it really establishes that trust with them when you learn how to read them. So he wanted me to do that with everybody.

Lori:

Love that. I love that because I think so often you know, we think we know what our kids need, and we think we know how to raise our kids when in reality, like we need to learn who they are and how to support them and how to like come alongside who they are, because they’re not going to be the same kind of person that we are. And I love that. Being able to sit back and really read your kids and go, how do I support them instead of how do I conform them to fit the mold that I think they should fit? Because they’re my child. Right. It’s it’s. And I think that just ties back into that body boundaries and you know, is it ownership? No, they’re their own body. They’re their own person. And when we know we’re our own person, we can set those boundaries. And so I love that.

Tiffany:

Yeah. And I can’t tell you like, so, all right. Two Pisces are raising an Aries in this household areas, horns Ram, headbutts all the time. And so my husband and my daughter, they butt heads a lot. And I’ve had to tell him over and over again, like she, when she’s butting heads, she’s reacting to your tone. Like you are not reading her. I didn’t use those terms, but now I have, now I have that vocabulary. And he was like, you’re not reading her because yes, she’s like upset about this thing and she’s yelling about it, but it’s your tone. That’s creating this situation. So it’s like read, read your child and react to, to the situation that once you read them, not once you think, you know how to discipline them, I think that’s important.

Lori:

Yeah, for sure.

Tiffany:

Well, do you have any closing thoughts, Laurie?

Lori:

Yeah. I’m going to say it again. And I know I said it a couple of times already, but I’m going to say it again, parents, you’re amazing and you’re doing the best you can and give yourself a break. And when you give yourself a break and you stop long enough to breathe, well, one you’re teaching your children. That that’s an okay thing to do, right. To give yourself space and breathe and give yourself grace. But really when you do that, you have the capacities and the faculties to deal with that situation. Right. Because if we’re dealing with it in the throws of the situation, we’re, we’re never really present. We’re never really there with our whole heart. Right. So so give yourself a break, give yourself some time. I used to put myself in timeout, right? I tell my kids, okay. You know what, mommy doesn’t know how to think right now.

Lori:

Mommy needs to go get her heart. Right. Mommy’s going in time out. So if you guys want to stay down here and mess up the whole house and beat each other up, you can go do it because mommy has to go in time out and get her heart. Right. So that when I’m with you, so that when I’m like interacting with you, I’m always in a place of love. So, so give yourself grace and give yourself that space to know that you’ve never parented this child. That’s standing in front of you ever before. And and yeah, and, and you’re learning each day. You’re learning more. So give yourself a break and love on yourself and know you’re doing the best you can.

Tiffany:

Yeah. Love on yourself and know that you deserve to set boundaries. It is okay to set boundaries and you’re not neglecting your child when you set boundaries, you’re setting them up for success, even when it feels hard. So,

Lori:

Absolutely. Absolutely. This

Tiffany:

Has been just absolutely wonderful.

Lori:

I know, I can’t believe at the time it’s done already. I’m like, Tiffany, can we do another one of these? Because I have so much more to say, and there’s so much more I want to learn from you.

Tiffany:

Let’s do it. We’ll do like, I’ll think of a clever name for the second one. Love it. All right. Well, what’s that you can catch us. I don’t know. We’re going to probably put this webinar on like a podcast or a live stream or something so that people can consume it. And you can find me@thelittlecuties.com. We do art and parenting and the emotions and all the things. So if you like cute things like this which is a billboard, if this ends up being a podcast that has little cuties on it that are really cute. Come follow me and Lori, how can people connect with you?

Lori:

Yeah, right now reach out to me on Facebook, connect with me just on my personal page for right now, cause I’m doing some rebranding on my business. But we also want to invite you guys like we know that this is very surface-y and very non detailed for your specific situation. Right? We talk about how every child is different and every parent is different in the background of where everyone comes from is very different. So so as we move forward, you guys, we will be opening up spaces for you guys to come and do a more, one-on-one like ask specific questions and say, Hey, okay, this is exactly what my kid is doing. This is exactly how I’m responding and I can’t seem to get the results. And we would love to to invite you into another space where it’s a little bit more of a coaching environment instead of a teaching environment so that we can really come alongside you and and be there for you specifically. So we’ll be opening that up in the coming times. So definitely if that’s something you’re interested in, reach out to us and we’ll let you know what those details look like.

Tiffany:

Yeah. And as of right now, and then we’ll cut this later to make it evergreen. But as of right now, we have workshops scheduled for the December 18th and December 22nd at 6:30 PM. So if you’re interested, hit us up and we will send you the link to register for that, it is $39 and we’re ready to spill our souls to you and give you everything we have. So thanks for joining us.